I try to control the sadness.
When my family and I went for a walk today, I felt it on me. Hanging, and pulling me back – not allowing those laughs that wanted to dance on the wind, to escape. I tried. I could feel something in there saying, “Here I am, but I still suck so I am going to stay over here.” I could hear it in my own head. There are times when there are whispers, even in the sun, looking up at the bluest most beautiful sky – I am just a bit bluer.
But not in the good way.
When you open your eyes and the first thing you register is pain, it is viagra pas cher a very hard realization. Some days are worse than others, but lately, everyday is agony and it’s not something that makes LIFE easy. Not one part of your life is easy. From thinking, to showering, to breathing.
Not a thing is easy.
When you’re in pain constantly, you tell yourself you won’t regret the smile you force, the hug you really don’t want or answering the question that really needed no response. You still it do it.
It comes from the people you love. We all understand that love is one of the only ways we all get through this, but when you feel unworthy of it somehow, like that healing stuff might not work. It makes you feel bad to be around the people that believe that with all their might.
I am at that point where I am starting to think about how angry I am. How young I am, and how I perceivably did just about everything right – especially through the space between these rounds of Lupus treatments. I was diligent. I ate well. I exercised. I meditated. I quieted, and mended- or tried to. I tried not to take on other’s baggage.
I tried. ( I will admit to watching too much news, getting caught up in too much shit that wasn’t mine, but fuck it – I was mad and I still am – I need time.)
Yet, still. This last month has happened.
It shows you that you only have so much control. My mind is constantly going, my husband and I spoke about it once. He said women’s number one complaint is that they can’t turn their minds off.
I agree. I think constantly. When I am not thinking I am probably thinking about thinking. This stresses me out. This stress aggravates my disease. Vicious circle.
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